When Anna (from a deeply Christian family) and Murtaza decided to get engaged, both families had to face the unfamiliar and their fear of losing their child to an ‘alien’ culture.
Anna’s parents were supportive of their daughter, but were concerned whether she fully realized what was involved and worried whether such a marriage would lead her away from the faith. Murtaza’s parents were afraid that their son was not doing what, in the long-term, was best for him. They also felt that he would become alienated from his family and the culture in which he had grown up. The fact that they chose to express their concern by threatening to cut off relations with him if he went ahead with the marriage made it hard for Murtaza and Anna to recognise that his parents had his best interests at heart. Anna’s parents, whilst also expressing their deep concerns, particularly in relation to bringing up any children, assured her of their love and support, so much so that, looking back, Anna and Murtaza wonder if they gave enough attention to Anna’s parents’ concerns.
The discussions made clear the complex way in which personal belief, cultural conditioning, inherited expectations and questions of identity are bound up together. Gombrich, writes, ‘whether we like it or not, it would be blind not to admit that for most people in the modern world religion is first of all an identity, a label, a badge of allegiance of a group.’ He goes on to say that in defining a religion, ‘the first answer which occurs to someone from a Christian background is likely to be that religion is a matter of belief, particularly of belief in God. But half the world does not think in these terms. For them, religion is first and foremost what you do, not what you think.1
It is hard for some British Christians to see that accepted patterns of behaviour may, to those from another culture, have Christian overtones which they do not recognise. Cultural differences may easily obscure how much the great faiths hold in common. There were various options for the wedding- of which the first two would be disappointing to Anna and her parents- 1) was a civil ceremony, which would have evaded the religious issue, 2) was to have the legal marriage at a Registry office followed by an informal religious ceremony or blessing, perhaps in church. 3)A Christian marriage ceremony.
Would option 3 be acceptable to Murtaza and his family and to the church? Because of my deep involvement in interfaith work, I had no difficulty with the possibility of a Christian marriage, although other clergy might be more hesitant. I had some twenty years ago, taken a wedding for a Muslim and a Christian and I had also officiated at some weddings of a Christian to a Jew. Legally, a vicar may perform a marriage, where one party is resident in the parish, provided that both parties are of age and neither has had a previous marriage, of which the partner is still alive.2 The marriage, however, has to be ‘according to the rites and ceremonies of the Church of England.’ Such rites include the giving of the ring, accompanied by the words ‘within the love of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.’ To my mind, it is acceptable for the Muslim just to say, ‘within the love of God’ - but there is some question about the legality of this.
From the Muslim point of view, a Muslim man may marry a Christian woman. Christians and Jews are regarded by Muslims as ‘People of the Book.’ The non-Muslim woman should be allowed freedom to practise her religion, although popular expectation has often been that she would convert to Islam and that the children would be Muslim. It was clear that Anna had no intention of converting. Murtaza’s parents were, however, insistent that Anna agreed to the Nikah or engagement ceremony. This proved problematic, partly because it was difficult to get clear information about what was involved.
In Islam, marriage does not have to take place in a specifically religious context.’3 Essentially marriage is an agreement between the parties involved. Marriage takes place in two stages. First a contract is agreed between both families, to which the two people getting married must agree. The Marriageis completed by the actual wedding. Muslim Marriage practices vary in different countries and communities and varying importance is attached to the engagement ceremony.
Murtaza’s family belong to the Bohras or Bohoras community, a Shi’i Isma’ili sect. The Nikah was to be held when a leader of the community came to Britain, but the uncertainty about the date caused some tension. As a preliminary, Anna was to be welcomed into the community. This involved agreeing to the Mishak, or oath. The wording of the text, which had been handed down for several generations was problematic because it seemed to include a promise of complete obedience to the leader of the Bohras’ community. Murtaza’s family said it was just a formality and not to be taken literally. Anna tried to explain this to her parents, but I do not think they were entirely reassured. Anna went ahead and this meant that Murtaza’s parents could accept her into his family. It also meant that they withdrew their objections to the marriage and agreed to come to the wedding service.
The wedding service and reception were beautiful and happy. Well -known Christian hymns were addressed to God or the Lord, rather than specifically to Jesus. There was a reading from the Holy Qur’an as well as from the New Testament. The form of service was from the Alternative Service Book of the Church of England. I made clear in my introduction that it was a Christian service, but that Muslim friends were most welcome guests. I also spoke of how much Christianity and Islam, despite their differences, hold in common, in their belief in the one God and that Muslims always speak of Jesus with reverence and that Christians should likewise respect the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad. Anna’s brother, who is pastor of an Assemblies of God church in North Wales, spoke sensitively in his address of God’s love, shown in Jesus Christ and applied this both to Anna and Murtaza and to the congregation as a whole.
A year and a half later, Murtaza and Anna are presently in New Zealand. Distance and time has given them a broader perspective on the issues which they faced. They say ‘We’ve never loved each other as much as we do now and we appreciate each other even more for having struggled through the difficult time.’
Their advice is to separate culture and religion, to learn about each others’ religion - Murtaza has attended an Alpha course - and try to understand ‘where each other’s family is coming from and remember that they really only have your best interests at heart.’ But they add, ‘Within marriage, you need to put each other first.’ I often tell couples that - because if they do put each other first, then they can cope with their relations!
My own feeling is that faith communities, even if they would prefer young people ‘not to marry out’, should recognise that this will happen with increasing frequency and that they need to adopt a positive and encouraging approach that helps the couple and their families to respect and appreciate each other’s religion. If they do this, the couple may grow in faith, whereas if they feel rejected they may in turn reject both religions.
